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The Boots are back in town: Original article dated January 25th, 2010

Das Watton, Dermany: It was a shock to victims of the Play-off Riots over 2 years ago and fans alike when the High Court of Hammerburg granted time served to convicted Das Boots Adolf Blitzer, Franz Von Pimpin, Oskar Swindler and Ernst Redrohm earlier this morning. In a statement to the press late last night, Judge Reinhold had this to say:

"It is our conclusion that Herr Blitzer, Herr Pimpin, Herr Swindler and Herr Redrohm no longer pose any threat to the TBL or Das Boots management. They have been model prisoners throughout, they have been reabilitated, and we feel that any additional incarceration would be an injustice, not only for themselves but to the fans that supported them. I might add that it is our further conclusion that given the events at the Challenger Series 2 weeks ago, these gentlemen have a higher likelihood of being killed on the pitch then in Das Watton prison."

Fan pressure for the release of the Boots had been strong throughout their imprisonment, but had reached a frenzy in the last 4 weeks leading up to TB22 when word came out that TB had opened up the Challenger Circuit, and that the Boots would be granted a day pass to participate in the TB Challenger Circuit. For a month almost 3 thousand Boots fans have camped outside the High Court of Hammerburg, marching throughout the day with placards and sandwich boards, and sleeping in a labyrinth of tents that have completely blocked off the downtown core streets of Perceval and Lohengrin. Efforts by Elder Police to clear the area have been largely unsuccessful due to the large number of children in the tent city, where rubber bullets and tear gas would be normally employed.

Speaking to fans for the first time in over 26 months outside of the steps of the High Court of Hammerburg immediately upon release, Adolf Blitzer shadowed by his fellow Boots inmates had this to say:

"It has been a long time since we last spoke back in the summer of TB18. Much time has been wasted while we languish for 4 Thunderbowl seasons, but unlike all the other untermenschen, we are Dark Elves, and the passage of time to us is as harmless as wrestle. Our victory over the Lucky Charms a fortnight ago and the completion of my book, Mein Block, during my incarceration in Drakenborg and Das Watton stands as testament that the Boots have not been idle whatsoever during our absence in Thunderbowl. The goal of Thunderbowl glory is still the same. It is simply our destiny."

"And throughout our imprisonment we could always count on our little Booties to back us up and the movement. Das Boots have suffered enormously throughout our initial campaign in TB16 through to our last season in TB18, but we are now taking a new direction outlined in Mein Block to crush the mortals. See you all on the sidelines in 2 weeks and we thank you for your continued support. Love live sacred Dermany."

General Jason attended the release of the players and exchanged hugs and hand shakes with the 4. Although he declined to go to the podium after Blitzer to speak to the fans, he did say this to the media after Adolf Blitzer's insinuation that the Boots would be returning in TB23 and what was the fate of the Steel Dragons that he had coached for the last 3 seasons:

"The annoucement for the Boots return was one that senior management at Hammerburg TBL was planning on making later this afternoon. Adolf Blitzer kind of let the cat out of the bag but we'll forgive him - after all he's thought of nothing else for the last 2 years. It is the feeling of our General Manager that Hammerburg TBL is better served with 2 strong franchises operating in the B Division. Steel Dragons is practically everything we wanted the franchise to be. Other then bringing a couple more rookies up to speed and solving some new problems with our Deathroller Truckapiller - seems he's only getting the plays half the time, the club in solid."

"Das Boots on the other hand has been reduced to a Challenger Circuit only team and this is something the Hammerburg TBL wants to salvage and rectify. They have a lot of great talent in Adolf Blitzer, Franz von Pimpin, Erwin Rumble, Ernst Redrohm and others, and they want to further build on this core and bring the rest of the team up to speed over the next season or two. Steel Dragons will for now play in the TBL minors, along with the Graveside Gorys, until Hammerburg TBL wishes to bring them up to the show in future. It has always been a pleasure coaching those boys."

Mick Jogger - star Runner of the Steel Dragons was reached for comment immediately following the announcement:

"Why Hammerburg TBL is resurrecting a bunch of arrogant, pointy-eared hasbeens is beyond me. Management - who can understand them? Despite our 23 wins this team is still lacking a breakout post-season which we hope to achieve once these haughty-headed tea-sippers get drummed out again. The guys in our locker room deserve it. I met Adolf Blitzer at the TBL Awards after-party once, back when he was still dating Hanna Rock, and man is that guy an asshole."

"In the meantime we will play in the Challenger Circuit until we return to the show. Good luck to General Jason on behalf of all the players of the Steel Dragons and we look forward to the day when we return with him to TBL B-League and onto the Thunderbowl final."

Sports analysts and coaches alike in the weeks leading up to the High Courts decision were skeptical that the Boots can return to prominance in a bash heavy B-League. Only time will tell.

The Boots given the boot for 6 years. Original article dated December 31, 2007.

Hammerburg, Dermany: Sports analysts and fans alike were in disbelief at the outcome of the verdict set down by the High Court of Hammerburg versus Das Boots Captain Adolf Blitzer and his co-conspirators for their involvement for instigating the Play-offs Riots last month.

Adolf Blitzer and his fellow indictees were sentenced earlier today to 6 years imprisonment in Drakenburg Prison, knocking Herr Blitzer, Franz Von Pimpin, Oskar Swindler and Ernst Redrohm out for the entire TB19 season and beyond.

Das Boots HQ PR Head Dick Derek was quick to issue a statement shortly after the verdict and sentences were made publlic, saying:

"We still stand behind our recently imprisoned players and sincerely hope that their sentences can be appealed to time served. This wish reflects the wish of all the senior management team at Das Boots, including owner Johann Von Kaw and GM Brokk Bork."

"Das Boots stands behind their Captain - bottom line. The team will not play without veterans like Herr Blitzer, Pimpin, Swindler or Redrohm. It is the feeling of this organization that Das Boots will retire as a TBL team for TB19, and come back renewed."

"What will the Boots do with so much time off? Well, we must remember that we are speaking about Elves here. They never age. We will not be idle that's for sure. We are taking the Boots into the Prison Minor League indefinitely throughout their incarceration and work on new plays."

"Drakenburg is already in negotiations with General Jason to coach a Minor League team for TB19 - long time and Dermany's original TBL Franchise team: the Premier League Graveside Gorys. Long time fan favorites Mummy Mea and Tutterrokk have returned to lead Hammerburg's new Khemri team."

"Certainly Mummy Mea and Tutterrokk have lost a bit of their edge due to inaction, but Gj is confident that they'll be the force they once were, especially back by Mummies Pharokk and Hammerses."

"The Graveside Gorys have certainly changed dramatically ever since the lofty days of the Premier League, where Coaches and General Managers could recruit Big Guys, numerous ringers, Wizards, you name it. Those were some crazy days before the Collective Bargaining Agreement and salary caps."

"General Jason is definitely coaching an entirely different Gorys team, but we hope by resurrecting the Gorys franchise we might be able to attract some of the old time fans - regardless of whether the team resembles very little of the Gorys of old. As far as this organization is concerned, Mummy Mea and Tutterrokk have been, and always will be the franchise."

Adolf Blitzer Arrested. Original article dated November 17, 2007

Hammerberg, Dermany: Adolf Blitzer, team captain of Hammerberg's TBL Franchise team Das Boots, has been thrown into local Drakenberg Prison for instigating a literal coup d'tate of the upper management team over at Das Boots HQ over the weekend.

What should have been a solemn occasion commemorating the careers of their fallen brethren, Boots Linemen Heinrich Hitman and Adolph Frightmann, turned into a riot as senior members of the Das Boots team took the opportunity to whip their fans into a frenzy during last weekend's parade welcoming the team back from the TBL Play-offs.

Adolf Blitzer, along with co-conspirators Ernst Redrohm, Franz von Pimpin, Oskar Swindler, long retirees Rudolph Heist and Julius Striker, and recently retiree Hermann Gory, have all been indincted for leading a charge against Johann Von Kaw, principle owner of Das Boots, and GM Brokk Bork. Armed with only a megaphone, Blitzer accused upper management of stabbing the team in the back and robbing their chances of total victory in TB18.
 
Eldar Riot Police and tear gas had to be employed to clear the streets in downtown Hammerberg as literally thousands of fans began to swarm the streets and loot local businesses. Johann Von Kaw, Brokk Bork and other senior management were quickly escorted out before most of the rioting began, and whose whereabouts are currently unknown.

Also unknown is whether Das Boots Head Coach General Jason had been targeted or involved in the failed coup. When asked what he thought of the events over the weekend and the results today, he said:

"I really can't comment on what supposedly transpired over the weekend, all I can say is that they're a great bunch of boys. We're all pretty shook up over the loss of the Hitman and little Dolfie, and we'd like to thank our Boots fans from coming out and supporting us in our time of loss."

When asked about the Boots chances in the upcoming TB19, he replied:
"No doubt our team took a blow losing the Hitman and Frightmann, unquestionably. Those two guys will be missed. We mourn for them as we mourned for Martin Goreman or Reinhard Headlock. TB18 was a rough year for the Boots, with the early retirements of Stars like Amon Goof, Hermann Gory, and a rising Star like Geli Rebel, but rest assured we will recover. We're just going to take this one game at a time."

When asked what would happen to the Boots if senior players like Adolf Blitzer or Franz Von Pimpin had to miss TB19 due to incarceration:
"They're not going to convict those guys. They're folk heroes."

Das Boots future Witch Elf Hanna Rokk was seen near Hammerberg Superior Court shortly after the indinctment declined comment, only:
"I simply cannot believe that Big Dolf or Franzee would have anything to do with this. The indinctment is a farse."

Adolf Blitzer and the other 6 conspirators have refused to comment to local media on the advice of their lawyers. When asked about the activities of the inmates, Drakenburg officials would only comment that the prisoners have refused to wear their inmate garments and have instead demanded that they be allowed to wear their team uniforms.

Visitors and fan mail have been a nuisance since the 7 were taking into custody, especially with Herr Blitzer. Blitzer is rumoured to be dictating a new playbook for next season to his secretary, retired Runner Rudolf Heist. All 7 inmates have been alotted a special private wing seperated from the general population, and are rumoured to be treated like royalty from some Prison Officials.

One senior analyst who refused to be named could only comment:
"Hammerberg has already had enough suffering without the trial of what many will say are patriots. Guilty or not, I'm going to find it hard to believe that 12 Hammerberg citizens are going to convict those boys of anything other than public mischief. If you walked around downtown Hammerberg over the last couple of weeks it was hard to go 5 feet without seeing a Boots Jersey. At this point I think it would be impossible to find an impartial Jury in all of Dermany."

Captives Fans of the Cult of Cthulhu are participating in mandatory celebration festivities after week three of Thunder Bowl season 8.  Coach Subhedgehog, still dripping from a ritual calfs-blood shower, addressed a throng of coerced reporters and drugged jubilant cult initiates from atop a rocky crag above the Cult of Cthulhu combination practice facility and commercial slaughterhouse.

"The Cult has shown the strength of our faith in the Great Old Ones," shouted Subhedgehog.  "The gifts of the Elder Gods have allowed us to triumph over our opponents, showing their pleasure in our devotion.  Let us revisit our victories in this audio-visual presentation, sponsored by Roofie's Sleepy-Timez Adult Beverage."

A cheer, forced out under the watchful eye of an always on the edge of murderous Mother Shub-Niggurath, issued weakly from those in attendance.  At this point, Coach Subhedgehog was seen starting to drink heavily of an unknown substance from within a brown paper bag marked coaching strategies, still clinging precariously to the rocky slope upon which he was perched.  As the cheer petered out, a small puppet stage was unveiled and a KodaCrystal Ball projector was lit up.

Game 1: Cult of Cthulhu 3 - 0 Zealots of Putrescence

The Cult of Cthulhu was obviously angry after their elimination in the second round of the C-league season 7 playoffs.  After a successful offensive drive, despite a perfect defense by the Zealots, the Cult's defense went into high gear.  On-field reports indicate that some daemonettes in the crowd distracted the referee enough to allow the Cult to get going with a blitz that kept the Zealots on the back foot, surrendering a second TD to Father Cthulhu.  This game's results are marred by a continuing investigation by league officials into possible fan tampering at the end of the first half.  A Zealot pestigor had busted through to the Cult's end-zone as the clock wound down on the first half.  A rotter tossed a pass on-target, but it appears as if a few members of the crowd reached in an interfered with the pestigor's play on the ball, seeing the catch fumbled to the ground and the half over.  The half-time show also prominently featured these fans, as they were brought onto the field and given free tickets to the next game.

The second half didn't see the Cult pull their foot off the gas - another blitz from the Cult turned the majority of the half into a free-for-all ruckus.  It wasn't until turn 15 that the ball finally popped loose to Father Cthulhu tumbled over the line for his third TD.  Time was running out, and despite a touchback on the kick and quick-snap by the Zealots, the match ended in a shut-out.

The end-game ceremonies centered around the command performance by Father Cthulhu, who is the first Cult member to achieve stardom.  The bounty on Father Cthulhu's head, placed by rival coach Blammaham was also celebrated.  Coach Subhedgehog was spotted passed out in the team dugout, but was roused enough for the following comment:  "I'mma sho happy someone wantsh the big guy dead."

Game 2: Cult of Cthulhu 2 - 1 Chaotic Chicklets

The Cult were heavy underdogs to the star-studded chicklets, but the team was enticed onto the field by the presence of Lord Borak and crazy-man Max Spleenripper.  Accounting irregularities lead to another controversy surrounding the cult - a wizard from the Collegium of Drunken Zappery was in attendance, but claims to have not been paid his full fee and refused to fulfill his contract.  A lawsuit has been lodged against the Cult by the C.D.Z, which is still pending.

The Cult fans, knowing that Spleenripper was on the field, immediately hunted down the referee during the opening kickoff.  His replacement was so intimidated that he refused to send Spleenripper off for taking his chainsaw directly to the face of a Chicklets player, sending him reeling and woozy into the dugout.  Three turns of flagrant fouling caught up with Spleenripper, however.  The ref eventually paid a troll bouncer to escort the wild man off the pitch, after two KOs and stun.  The numbers advantage given by Spleenripper's handiwork was barely enough for the Cult to press forward.  A backfield blitz by the Chicklets popped the ball loose and it was up to the star Lord Borak to snatch the Blue Berries long bomb out of the air and hand it off to Father Yog-Sothoth for the score.  Krythis rallied his troops with some brilliant tactical advice before the next drive.  Sources close to the Chicklets dugout indicate that there was frenzied screaming of the words "claw", "mighty blow" and "murder them all to a man, erh, goat.  Squid... thing.  Whatever!".  The Chicklets drive did not go well, however, as Lord Borak once again proved he was worth his price tag by folding up Red Ravager into a small box and mailing him directly to the local morgue.

A half-time show featuring a rain-dance caused the skies to open up and pour (an official complaint has been lodged by the Chicklets as they claim the half-time show is not supposed to affect the outcome of the game).  The second half saw the Chicklets rumble down-field in their patented Rolling Thunder formation, despite numerous wet-weather fumbles, letting the Grey Geezer skid across the muddy field into the endzone.  With only a few phases left, the Cult went to work with grim determination, getting receivers down-field in two groups and forcing the Chicklets to choose which group to mob - they actually chose to mob both.  Father Yog-Sothoth and Lord Borak blocked and blitzed with precision, forcing Brother Azathoth free of the ruck.  With a quick dodge, Azathoth ended up in the endzone and looked upfield.  Brother Aphoom-Zhah sprinted to the line of scrimmage to hand off to Brother Bugg-Shash, who gripped the soaking wet rat-ogre head (used as a ball for the match) and ran forward to hurl a pass at Azathoth... Touchdown!  Cult wins!  Cult wins!

Game 3:  Cult of Cthulhu 3 - 2 Eataine Excelsiors

Once again, the Cult were heavy underdogs.  Missing players still healing up from the brutality of the match against the Chicklets, the Cult found themselves short-staffed.  Brother Bugg-Shash made the following comment when asked about his feelings on playing with a journeyman.  "Oh, wassisname? I hope he dies instead of me.  Great Elders!  Take him as a sacrifice!  I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"

Knowing the Cult would be hard pressed to perform against a high-flying Excelsior squad, Coach Subhedgehog once more called on Lord Borak and Max Spleenripper.  A mercenary chaos warrior, experienced and fresh off a recent raiding party in the southern forests, was also added to the squad.

In what Cult proponents are calling an act of genius and what their detractors are labelling as evidence of severe brain-damage and chronic alcohol abuse, Coach Subhedgehog deferred the opening drive to the Excelsiors.  Coach endycarus was seen drawing up the first play by pointing violently at the mercenary chaos warrior at the end of the line of scrimmage and miming throat-slashing motions.  The Excelsiors got the picture and Cthulha soon put in motion the plan - sending the merc bleeding and gasping for air into the infirmary.  Riding high on the success of murder - phase 1, Lathar initiated the next phase of the plan by getting the attention of the referee and being summarily ejected.

The Excelsior soon scored, resulting in Max Spleenripper coming out of the dugout.  It became readily apparent that Spleenripper knew the injured merc warrior personally and was visibly upset at the Excelsior who had hurt him.  The crazy-man managed to cripple Fegril and slice up Cthulha before the drive ended with a Cult touchdown.

The rest of the match followed a grim pattern of blood and violence.  Mother Shub-Niggurath was pumped so full of drugs and steroids that she could barely look at an elf without flying horns-first towards them in an attempt to end the elf's life.  The beef bruiser rampaged across the field, time after time sending Excelsior players off the pitch.  The Cult calmly stayed out of the way of the murderous minded minotaur and went about the business of securing the win.  When all the dust had settled, only two elves remained on the pitch, their stars Shaedar and Kolrith.  Mother Shub-Niggurath had amassed five casualties by herself, with the team total amounting to 9.  The dynamic elven duo that remained, undaunted by the injury box filled with mangled elf-flesh, managed a late touchdown by themselves against the entirety of the Cult squad.  Coach Subhedgehog was in tears on the sidelines as the two star elves and their coach taunted the Cult.  Coach endycarus flipped Subhedgehog the bird and shouted "gotta catch them all" as time wound down and the final whistle sounded.  The respectable 3-2 scoreline saw the Cult the victors, but many fans thought the never-say-die attitude of the Excelsior stars won them a moral victory.  League officials have not yet compiled a standings chart that counts moral victories, however, so the elven feat may go mostly unnoticed.

Excelsior management has initiated a campaign to censure the Cult's training staff and have them charged with murder, even though no elves died during the match.  The documents list the initial complaint as "overly agressive doping techniques" and "unladylike comportment on and off the practice field."  A teary-eyed Subhedgehog adressed the media after the match. "That was so beautiful to watch...  Everything turned red.  At first I felt bad about the carnage, but then I continued drinking heavily coaching and the feeling went away."

With the conclusion of the puppet re-enactment and finger-painting slide show, the crowd looked upwards towards the rocky perch of Coach Subhedgehog.  It seems as if the Cult's coach had fallen asleep (no doubt due to the contents of the container within the bag of "coaching strategies"), but a quick nudge from Brother Vulthoom brought him to a semblence of wakefulness.

"Whattin tha hell'r you doin' on my lawn?  GET OFF MY LAWN!" sputtered Subhedgehog.  As the crowd was escorted out of the practice facility, it was noted by several more observant reporters that Father Dagon was also summarily expelled.  Shreds of what appeared to be a contract were also thrown out after the creepy, hug-happy, chaos warrior.  Mother Hydra, hired mere moments before Dagon was tossed off the team, was spotted giving a two-finger salute to the former Cult player.  It is assumed that the league-standard termination in case of injury clause of Dagon's contract was used to avoid any liability for medical costs incurred from injuries suffered by Dagon against the Chaotic Chicklets.

A draw and win and a loss to start the season. It would be nice to say the Slaaenesh devotees that comprise Beastiality were simply trying to pack in a full range of experiences. The truth is that the only thing they seem to do consistently is regress to the mean. Sitting at 30 league points after three games is the exact same record they held last season. Though, admittadly, having a win and fluke draw under the belt does feel a bit better than last season's perpetual draws due to lead-squandering.

Game 1: 1-1 - vs JIngs Dwarves - Grom's Beerback Blazers

If the most outlandish play of the week did not happen in the last turn of this game, the story would have been that the dwarves easily racked up atleast 15 1d POWs to repeatedly flatten Beastality all game. But, the outlandish play DID happen.

On turn 16, Double Penetration, Beastiality's second Minotaur broke a tackle and knocked a dwarf away from the ball. HPV, a marauder, GFI'd, picked up the ball in a tackle zone dodged and threw a ridiculous long pass over to a covered HIV (marauder) who caught the ball, dodged, GFI'd twice and scored the tieing TD. The entire play occured without needing to employ Beastiality's final team reroll. Both JIng and I were dumbfounded and I even apologized for raping him of what would have been a solid win.

Quote of the game: "Well @!#$ me, that worked" - Coach Warpstone, upon scoring the game-ending TD.

Game 2: 3-2 vs Harbinger's Dark Elves - Hydra Lords

Everything just fell apart for the Dark Elves. Opening drive brought pouring rain and the Dark Elf attempting a routine quick pass suddenly flubbed his throw like he was a human. Reacharound was true to his name, got the ball at midfield and scampered off for a score. Dark Elves quickly scored in their next drive and then Beastiality just started throwing POWs. The big guys routinely got 3 dice hits on the elves and the ground even got into the viciousness by SI'ing a dodging blitzer. Scoring to end the half and then again after half time led to the result being beyond doubt in the second half.

Harbinger meanwhile continues to have the most stunning bad luck. A scientific study of his rolls has found that he does roll an even distribution. Unfortunately, he rolls ones and skulls exactly at the worst possible moments and uses up his sixes when a simple 2 would do.

Quote of the game: "I'd rather do that then let him touch me" - Dark Elf Reacharound, in regards to successfully overcoming contempt for his peers with two handoffs for TDs to Gonorrhea.

Game 3: 2-0 vs Macphee's Chaos - Jundheim Ice Lords

An old fashioned whupping. What hurts isn't the loss of Herpes (injured for a -1ST, apo'd to dead and we kept the apoth's result), or the blank score, but rather the shear inability to make a single play all game. Beastiality finished with zero SPP besides the MVP. Brutal all around. The early game looked like the Pact might have turned over the Chaos opening drive, but whereas Syphilis piled on for 2 KO's, the Ice Lords found their groove in Turn 5 and started CASing marauders across the pitch.

In a sense, this was an easy loss to accept as Macphee's well played game and his CAS luck were impossible to overcome. There's really very little my perverts could do besides bend over and enjoy the pounding.

Quote of the game: "<yawn> It's okay, I'm just running a flag route this drive anyway." - Minotaur Double Penetration, while lazing on the Ice Lord's turf for 4 turns in the second half.

Warpstone's Coach's Corner

On a lack of scoring:
"What can you do. Reacharound's the franchise (he's taken to calling himself Reachize after latenight pep-sessions with Rex Ryan), but there's only so much he can do without support. At the same time, I'd rather players took the time to learn how to better beat the crap out of opponents before learning ball skills. So wait and see on this one. I've never liked my team to play tight 1-0 games like a bunch of gay dwarves, but what can you do?"

On having the same record as last year:
"It's a great case study. You see, last year, we had gameplans and tactics and got mediocre results. This year, we said '@#$! it, let Nuffle decide' and we've got the same results. The lesson in all this is that not thinking very much has not made an ounce of difference in our results."

On the season ahead:
"It's hard to say. The only thing we know is that it can always get worse. Still, the upcoming match against Endycarus' faeries will be a fun change of pace. Even if they blow us out, it will still be nice to see the occaisional ball finally be tossed into the air. Seriously, gay dwarfy caging might get hot and heavy, but Syphilis is the only one gets excited by that."

Recruiting Notice

Commencing this 3rd season, Beastiality has ceased to recruit from the pool of marauders devoted to erotic disease. Instead, new players have been signed from an engorged segment of marauders dedicated to exciting bodily fluids. Welcome #12 Splooge and #5 Smegma to the throbbing fold of pleasure that is Beastiality.