Captives Fans of the Cult of Cthulhu are participating in mandatory celebration festivities after week three of Thunder Bowl season 8. Coach Subhedgehog, still dripping from a ritual calfs-blood shower, addressed a throng of coerced reporters and drugged jubilant cult initiates from atop a rocky crag above the Cult of Cthulhu combination practice facility and commercial slaughterhouse.
"The Cult has shown the strength of our faith in the Great Old Ones," shouted Subhedgehog. "The gifts of the Elder Gods have allowed us to triumph over our opponents, showing their pleasure in our devotion. Let us revisit our victories in this audio-visual presentation, sponsored by Roofie's Sleepy-Timez Adult Beverage."
A cheer, forced out under the watchful eye of an always on the edge of murderous Mother Shub-Niggurath, issued weakly from those in attendance. At this point, Coach Subhedgehog was seen starting to drink heavily of an unknown substance from within a brown paper bag marked coaching strategies, still clinging precariously to the rocky slope upon which he was perched. As the cheer petered out, a small puppet stage was unveiled and a KodaCrystal Ball projector was lit up.
Game 1: Cult of Cthulhu 3 - 0 Zealots of Putrescence
The Cult of Cthulhu was obviously angry after their elimination in the second round of the C-league season 7 playoffs. After a successful offensive drive, despite a perfect defense by the Zealots, the Cult's defense went into high gear. On-field reports indicate that some daemonettes in the crowd distracted the referee enough to allow the Cult to get going with a blitz that kept the Zealots on the back foot, surrendering a second TD to Father Cthulhu. This game's results are marred by a continuing investigation by league officials into possible fan tampering at the end of the first half. A Zealot pestigor had busted through to the Cult's end-zone as the clock wound down on the first half. A rotter tossed a pass on-target, but it appears as if a few members of the crowd reached in an interfered with the pestigor's play on the ball, seeing the catch fumbled to the ground and the half over. The half-time show also prominently featured these fans, as they were brought onto the field and given free tickets to the next game.
The second half didn't see the Cult pull their foot off the gas - another blitz from the Cult turned the majority of the half into a free-for-all ruckus. It wasn't until turn 15 that the ball finally popped loose to Father Cthulhu tumbled over the line for his third TD. Time was running out, and despite a touchback on the kick and quick-snap by the Zealots, the match ended in a shut-out.
The end-game ceremonies centered around the command performance by Father Cthulhu, who is the first Cult member to achieve stardom. The bounty on Father Cthulhu's head, placed by rival coach Blammaham was also celebrated. Coach Subhedgehog was spotted passed out in the team dugout, but was roused enough for the following comment: "I'mma sho happy someone wantsh the big guy dead."
Game 2: Cult of Cthulhu 2 - 1 Chaotic Chicklets
The Cult were heavy underdogs to the star-studded chicklets, but the team was enticed onto the field by the presence of Lord Borak and crazy-man Max Spleenripper. Accounting irregularities lead to another controversy surrounding the cult - a wizard from the Collegium of Drunken Zappery was in attendance, but claims to have not been paid his full fee and refused to fulfill his contract. A lawsuit has been lodged against the Cult by the C.D.Z, which is still pending.
The Cult fans, knowing that Spleenripper was on the field, immediately hunted down the referee during the opening kickoff. His replacement was so intimidated that he refused to send Spleenripper off for taking his chainsaw directly to the face of a Chicklets player, sending him reeling and woozy into the dugout. Three turns of flagrant fouling caught up with Spleenripper, however. The ref eventually paid a troll bouncer to escort the wild man off the pitch, after two KOs and stun. The numbers advantage given by Spleenripper's handiwork was barely enough for the Cult to press forward. A backfield blitz by the Chicklets popped the ball loose and it was up to the star Lord Borak to snatch the Blue Berries long bomb out of the air and hand it off to Father Yog-Sothoth for the score. Krythis rallied his troops with some brilliant tactical advice before the next drive. Sources close to the Chicklets dugout indicate that there was frenzied screaming of the words "claw", "mighty blow" and "murder them all to a man, erh, goat. Squid... thing. Whatever!". The Chicklets drive did not go well, however, as Lord Borak once again proved he was worth his price tag by folding up Red Ravager into a small box and mailing him directly to the local morgue.
A half-time show featuring a rain-dance caused the skies to open up and pour (an official complaint has been lodged by the Chicklets as they claim the half-time show is not supposed to affect the outcome of the game). The second half saw the Chicklets rumble down-field in their patented Rolling Thunder formation, despite numerous wet-weather fumbles, letting the Grey Geezer skid across the muddy field into the endzone. With only a few phases left, the Cult went to work with grim determination, getting receivers down-field in two groups and forcing the Chicklets to choose which group to mob - they actually chose to mob both. Father Yog-Sothoth and Lord Borak blocked and blitzed with precision, forcing Brother Azathoth free of the ruck. With a quick dodge, Azathoth ended up in the endzone and looked upfield. Brother Aphoom-Zhah sprinted to the line of scrimmage to hand off to Brother Bugg-Shash, who gripped the soaking wet rat-ogre head (used as a ball for the match) and ran forward to hurl a pass at Azathoth... Touchdown! Cult wins! Cult wins!
Game 3: Cult of Cthulhu 3 - 2 Eataine Excelsiors
Once again, the Cult were heavy underdogs. Missing players still healing up from the brutality of the match against the Chicklets, the Cult found themselves short-staffed. Brother Bugg-Shash made the following comment when asked about his feelings on playing with a journeyman. "Oh, wassisname? I hope he dies instead of me. Great Elders! Take him as a sacrifice! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"
Knowing the Cult would be hard pressed to perform against a high-flying Excelsior squad, Coach Subhedgehog once more called on Lord Borak and Max Spleenripper. A mercenary chaos warrior, experienced and fresh off a recent raiding party in the southern forests, was also added to the squad.
In what Cult proponents are calling an act of genius and what their detractors are labelling as evidence of severe brain-damage and chronic alcohol abuse, Coach Subhedgehog deferred the opening drive to the Excelsiors. Coach endycarus was seen drawing up the first play by pointing violently at the mercenary chaos warrior at the end of the line of scrimmage and miming throat-slashing motions. The Excelsiors got the picture and Cthulha soon put in motion the plan - sending the merc bleeding and gasping for air into the infirmary. Riding high on the success of murder - phase 1, Lathar initiated the next phase of the plan by getting the attention of the referee and being summarily ejected.
The Excelsior soon scored, resulting in Max Spleenripper coming out of the dugout. It became readily apparent that Spleenripper knew the injured merc warrior personally and was visibly upset at the Excelsior who had hurt him. The crazy-man managed to cripple Fegril and slice up Cthulha before the drive ended with a Cult touchdown.
The rest of the match followed a grim pattern of blood and violence. Mother Shub-Niggurath was pumped so full of drugs and steroids that she could barely look at an elf without flying horns-first towards them in an attempt to end the elf's life. The beef bruiser rampaged across the field, time after time sending Excelsior players off the pitch. The Cult calmly stayed out of the way of the murderous minded minotaur and went about the business of securing the win. When all the dust had settled, only two elves remained on the pitch, their stars Shaedar and Kolrith. Mother Shub-Niggurath had amassed five casualties by herself, with the team total amounting to 9. The dynamic elven duo that remained, undaunted by the injury box filled with mangled elf-flesh, managed a late touchdown by themselves against the entirety of the Cult squad. Coach Subhedgehog was in tears on the sidelines as the two star elves and their coach taunted the Cult. Coach endycarus flipped Subhedgehog the bird and shouted "gotta catch them all" as time wound down and the final whistle sounded. The respectable 3-2 scoreline saw the Cult the victors, but many fans thought the never-say-die attitude of the Excelsior stars won them a moral victory. League officials have not yet compiled a standings chart that counts moral victories, however, so the elven feat may go mostly unnoticed.
Excelsior management has initiated a campaign to censure the Cult's training staff and have them charged with murder, even though no elves died during the match. The documents list the initial complaint as "overly agressive doping techniques" and "unladylike comportment on and off the practice field." A teary-eyed Subhedgehog adressed the media after the match. "That was so beautiful to watch... Everything turned red. At first I felt bad about the carnage, but then I continued drinking heavily coaching and the feeling went away."
With the conclusion of the puppet re-enactment and finger-painting slide show, the crowd looked upwards towards the rocky perch of Coach Subhedgehog. It seems as if the Cult's coach had fallen asleep (no doubt due to the contents of the container within the bag of "coaching strategies"), but a quick nudge from Brother Vulthoom brought him to a semblence of wakefulness.
"Whattin tha hell'r you doin' on my lawn? GET OFF MY LAWN!" sputtered Subhedgehog. As the crowd was escorted out of the practice facility, it was noted by several more observant reporters that Father Dagon was also summarily expelled. Shreds of what appeared to be a contract were also thrown out after the creepy, hug-happy, chaos warrior. Mother Hydra, hired mere moments before Dagon was tossed off the team, was spotted giving a two-finger salute to the former Cult player. It is assumed that the league-standard termination in case of injury clause of Dagon's contract was used to avoid any liability for medical costs incurred from injuries suffered by Dagon against the Chaotic Chicklets.
