With the Excelsiors called back to Eataine to repel a recent Dark Elf invasion, Head Coach Endycarus signed a temporary contract to coach an obscure collection of Skaven and Goblins called Grudge Match. They played their first match against upcoming Lizardman team Pax Britannia last night. We had the rare opportunity to listen in on the coach's side of a long distance communication with Excelsiors quarterback Kolrith.

"I'm sorry to hear that. That's got to be quite a blow."

"Well, obviously it pales in comparison to defense of the homeland. Anyways, I don't really want to talk about it."

"Ha. No, it's not that they're uncoachable; it's more like they're allergic to the ball."

"Actually, the casualty count was better than your game against the Incredibles last season."

"Yes, of course I realize the difference between an experienced Orc team and a bunch of rookie Lizardmen. I'm just saying..."

"Yeah, I know. It seems like every troll the Excelsiors have ever played against was a genius. Retribution did nothing but drool for most of the game. The stormvermin are good, though. Well, were good, in the case of the dearly departed Vengeance."

"Threw an amazing hit, then tripped over his tail trying to get to another skink. Took a pretty serious concussion, just like you did last season, but he could have had plenty more productive years with the right treatment."

"No, there was no 'setback'. The damned apothecary killed him. On purpose."

"I can't prove it, but I heard him grumbling about all the 'work' it takes to keep a Skaven in game condition once he's had his bell rung once. Next thing I know, there's a smell of cooking coming from the locker room and he walks out with a bowl of some kind of rat soup."

"Yeah, I hope you give those Corsairs the boot quickly. I don't think I can get through two seasons of this."

Captives Fans of the Cult of Cthulhu are participating in mandatory celebration festivities after week three of Thunder Bowl season 8.  Coach Subhedgehog, still dripping from a ritual calfs-blood shower, addressed a throng of coerced reporters and drugged jubilant cult initiates from atop a rocky crag above the Cult of Cthulhu combination practice facility and commercial slaughterhouse.

"The Cult has shown the strength of our faith in the Great Old Ones," shouted Subhedgehog.  "The gifts of the Elder Gods have allowed us to triumph over our opponents, showing their pleasure in our devotion.  Let us revisit our victories in this audio-visual presentation, sponsored by Roofie's Sleepy-Timez Adult Beverage."

A cheer, forced out under the watchful eye of an always on the edge of murderous Mother Shub-Niggurath, issued weakly from those in attendance.  At this point, Coach Subhedgehog was seen starting to drink heavily of an unknown substance from within a brown paper bag marked coaching strategies, still clinging precariously to the rocky slope upon which he was perched.  As the cheer petered out, a small puppet stage was unveiled and a KodaCrystal Ball projector was lit up.

Game 1: Cult of Cthulhu 3 - 0 Zealots of Putrescence

The Cult of Cthulhu was obviously angry after their elimination in the second round of the C-league season 7 playoffs.  After a successful offensive drive, despite a perfect defense by the Zealots, the Cult's defense went into high gear.  On-field reports indicate that some daemonettes in the crowd distracted the referee enough to allow the Cult to get going with a blitz that kept the Zealots on the back foot, surrendering a second TD to Father Cthulhu.  This game's results are marred by a continuing investigation by league officials into possible fan tampering at the end of the first half.  A Zealot pestigor had busted through to the Cult's end-zone as the clock wound down on the first half.  A rotter tossed a pass on-target, but it appears as if a few members of the crowd reached in an interfered with the pestigor's play on the ball, seeing the catch fumbled to the ground and the half over.  The half-time show also prominently featured these fans, as they were brought onto the field and given free tickets to the next game.

The second half didn't see the Cult pull their foot off the gas - another blitz from the Cult turned the majority of the half into a free-for-all ruckus.  It wasn't until turn 15 that the ball finally popped loose to Father Cthulhu tumbled over the line for his third TD.  Time was running out, and despite a touchback on the kick and quick-snap by the Zealots, the match ended in a shut-out.

The end-game ceremonies centered around the command performance by Father Cthulhu, who is the first Cult member to achieve stardom.  The bounty on Father Cthulhu's head, placed by rival coach Blammaham was also celebrated.  Coach Subhedgehog was spotted passed out in the team dugout, but was roused enough for the following comment:  "I'mma sho happy someone wantsh the big guy dead."

Game 2: Cult of Cthulhu 2 - 1 Chaotic Chicklets

The Cult were heavy underdogs to the star-studded chicklets, but the team was enticed onto the field by the presence of Lord Borak and crazy-man Max Spleenripper.  Accounting irregularities lead to another controversy surrounding the cult - a wizard from the Collegium of Drunken Zappery was in attendance, but claims to have not been paid his full fee and refused to fulfill his contract.  A lawsuit has been lodged against the Cult by the C.D.Z, which is still pending.

The Cult fans, knowing that Spleenripper was on the field, immediately hunted down the referee during the opening kickoff.  His replacement was so intimidated that he refused to send Spleenripper off for taking his chainsaw directly to the face of a Chicklets player, sending him reeling and woozy into the dugout.  Three turns of flagrant fouling caught up with Spleenripper, however.  The ref eventually paid a troll bouncer to escort the wild man off the pitch, after two KOs and stun.  The numbers advantage given by Spleenripper's handiwork was barely enough for the Cult to press forward.  A backfield blitz by the Chicklets popped the ball loose and it was up to the star Lord Borak to snatch the Blue Berries long bomb out of the air and hand it off to Father Yog-Sothoth for the score.  Krythis rallied his troops with some brilliant tactical advice before the next drive.  Sources close to the Chicklets dugout indicate that there was frenzied screaming of the words "claw", "mighty blow" and "murder them all to a man, erh, goat.  Squid... thing.  Whatever!".  The Chicklets drive did not go well, however, as Lord Borak once again proved he was worth his price tag by folding up Red Ravager into a small box and mailing him directly to the local morgue.

A half-time show featuring a rain-dance caused the skies to open up and pour (an official complaint has been lodged by the Chicklets as they claim the half-time show is not supposed to affect the outcome of the game).  The second half saw the Chicklets rumble down-field in their patented Rolling Thunder formation, despite numerous wet-weather fumbles, letting the Grey Geezer skid across the muddy field into the endzone.  With only a few phases left, the Cult went to work with grim determination, getting receivers down-field in two groups and forcing the Chicklets to choose which group to mob - they actually chose to mob both.  Father Yog-Sothoth and Lord Borak blocked and blitzed with precision, forcing Brother Azathoth free of the ruck.  With a quick dodge, Azathoth ended up in the endzone and looked upfield.  Brother Aphoom-Zhah sprinted to the line of scrimmage to hand off to Brother Bugg-Shash, who gripped the soaking wet rat-ogre head (used as a ball for the match) and ran forward to hurl a pass at Azathoth... Touchdown!  Cult wins!  Cult wins!

Game 3:  Cult of Cthulhu 3 - 2 Eataine Excelsiors

Once again, the Cult were heavy underdogs.  Missing players still healing up from the brutality of the match against the Chicklets, the Cult found themselves short-staffed.  Brother Bugg-Shash made the following comment when asked about his feelings on playing with a journeyman.  "Oh, wassisname? I hope he dies instead of me.  Great Elders!  Take him as a sacrifice!  I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"

Knowing the Cult would be hard pressed to perform against a high-flying Excelsior squad, Coach Subhedgehog once more called on Lord Borak and Max Spleenripper.  A mercenary chaos warrior, experienced and fresh off a recent raiding party in the southern forests, was also added to the squad.

In what Cult proponents are calling an act of genius and what their detractors are labelling as evidence of severe brain-damage and chronic alcohol abuse, Coach Subhedgehog deferred the opening drive to the Excelsiors.  Coach endycarus was seen drawing up the first play by pointing violently at the mercenary chaos warrior at the end of the line of scrimmage and miming throat-slashing motions.  The Excelsiors got the picture and Cthulha soon put in motion the plan - sending the merc bleeding and gasping for air into the infirmary.  Riding high on the success of murder - phase 1, Lathar initiated the next phase of the plan by getting the attention of the referee and being summarily ejected.

The Excelsior soon scored, resulting in Max Spleenripper coming out of the dugout.  It became readily apparent that Spleenripper knew the injured merc warrior personally and was visibly upset at the Excelsior who had hurt him.  The crazy-man managed to cripple Fegril and slice up Cthulha before the drive ended with a Cult touchdown.

The rest of the match followed a grim pattern of blood and violence.  Mother Shub-Niggurath was pumped so full of drugs and steroids that she could barely look at an elf without flying horns-first towards them in an attempt to end the elf's life.  The beef bruiser rampaged across the field, time after time sending Excelsior players off the pitch.  The Cult calmly stayed out of the way of the murderous minded minotaur and went about the business of securing the win.  When all the dust had settled, only two elves remained on the pitch, their stars Shaedar and Kolrith.  Mother Shub-Niggurath had amassed five casualties by herself, with the team total amounting to 9.  The dynamic elven duo that remained, undaunted by the injury box filled with mangled elf-flesh, managed a late touchdown by themselves against the entirety of the Cult squad.  Coach Subhedgehog was in tears on the sidelines as the two star elves and their coach taunted the Cult.  Coach endycarus flipped Subhedgehog the bird and shouted "gotta catch them all" as time wound down and the final whistle sounded.  The respectable 3-2 scoreline saw the Cult the victors, but many fans thought the never-say-die attitude of the Excelsior stars won them a moral victory.  League officials have not yet compiled a standings chart that counts moral victories, however, so the elven feat may go mostly unnoticed.

Excelsior management has initiated a campaign to censure the Cult's training staff and have them charged with murder, even though no elves died during the match.  The documents list the initial complaint as "overly agressive doping techniques" and "unladylike comportment on and off the practice field."  A teary-eyed Subhedgehog adressed the media after the match. "That was so beautiful to watch...  Everything turned red.  At first I felt bad about the carnage, but then I continued drinking heavily coaching and the feeling went away."

With the conclusion of the puppet re-enactment and finger-painting slide show, the crowd looked upwards towards the rocky perch of Coach Subhedgehog.  It seems as if the Cult's coach had fallen asleep (no doubt due to the contents of the container within the bag of "coaching strategies"), but a quick nudge from Brother Vulthoom brought him to a semblence of wakefulness.

"Whattin tha hell'r you doin' on my lawn?  GET OFF MY LAWN!" sputtered Subhedgehog.  As the crowd was escorted out of the practice facility, it was noted by several more observant reporters that Father Dagon was also summarily expelled.  Shreds of what appeared to be a contract were also thrown out after the creepy, hug-happy, chaos warrior.  Mother Hydra, hired mere moments before Dagon was tossed off the team, was spotted giving a two-finger salute to the former Cult player.  It is assumed that the league-standard termination in case of injury clause of Dagon's contract was used to avoid any liability for medical costs incurred from injuries suffered by Dagon against the Chaotic Chicklets.

A draw and win and a loss to start the season. It would be nice to say the Slaaenesh devotees that comprise Beastiality were simply trying to pack in a full range of experiences. The truth is that the only thing they seem to do consistently is regress to the mean. Sitting at 30 league points after three games is the exact same record they held last season. Though, admittadly, having a win and fluke draw under the belt does feel a bit better than last season's perpetual draws due to lead-squandering.

Game 1: 1-1 - vs JIngs Dwarves - Grom's Beerback Blazers

If the most outlandish play of the week did not happen in the last turn of this game, the story would have been that the dwarves easily racked up atleast 15 1d POWs to repeatedly flatten Beastality all game. But, the outlandish play DID happen.

On turn 16, Double Penetration, Beastiality's second Minotaur broke a tackle and knocked a dwarf away from the ball. HPV, a marauder, GFI'd, picked up the ball in a tackle zone dodged and threw a ridiculous long pass over to a covered HIV (marauder) who caught the ball, dodged, GFI'd twice and scored the tieing TD. The entire play occured without needing to employ Beastiality's final team reroll. Both JIng and I were dumbfounded and I even apologized for raping him of what would have been a solid win.

Quote of the game: "Well @!#$ me, that worked" - Coach Warpstone, upon scoring the game-ending TD.

Game 2: 3-2 vs Harbinger's Dark Elves - Hydra Lords

Everything just fell apart for the Dark Elves. Opening drive brought pouring rain and the Dark Elf attempting a routine quick pass suddenly flubbed his throw like he was a human. Reacharound was true to his name, got the ball at midfield and scampered off for a score. Dark Elves quickly scored in their next drive and then Beastiality just started throwing POWs. The big guys routinely got 3 dice hits on the elves and the ground even got into the viciousness by SI'ing a dodging blitzer. Scoring to end the half and then again after half time led to the result being beyond doubt in the second half.

Harbinger meanwhile continues to have the most stunning bad luck. A scientific study of his rolls has found that he does roll an even distribution. Unfortunately, he rolls ones and skulls exactly at the worst possible moments and uses up his sixes when a simple 2 would do.

Quote of the game: "I'd rather do that then let him touch me" - Dark Elf Reacharound, in regards to successfully overcoming contempt for his peers with two handoffs for TDs to Gonorrhea.

Game 3: 2-0 vs Macphee's Chaos - Jundheim Ice Lords

An old fashioned whupping. What hurts isn't the loss of Herpes (injured for a -1ST, apo'd to dead and we kept the apoth's result), or the blank score, but rather the shear inability to make a single play all game. Beastiality finished with zero SPP besides the MVP. Brutal all around. The early game looked like the Pact might have turned over the Chaos opening drive, but whereas Syphilis piled on for 2 KO's, the Ice Lords found their groove in Turn 5 and started CASing marauders across the pitch.

In a sense, this was an easy loss to accept as Macphee's well played game and his CAS luck were impossible to overcome. There's really very little my perverts could do besides bend over and enjoy the pounding.

Quote of the game: "<yawn> It's okay, I'm just running a flag route this drive anyway." - Minotaur Double Penetration, while lazing on the Ice Lord's turf for 4 turns in the second half.

Warpstone's Coach's Corner

On a lack of scoring:
"What can you do. Reacharound's the franchise (he's taken to calling himself Reachize after latenight pep-sessions with Rex Ryan), but there's only so much he can do without support. At the same time, I'd rather players took the time to learn how to better beat the crap out of opponents before learning ball skills. So wait and see on this one. I've never liked my team to play tight 1-0 games like a bunch of gay dwarves, but what can you do?"

On having the same record as last year:
"It's a great case study. You see, last year, we had gameplans and tactics and got mediocre results. This year, we said '@#$! it, let Nuffle decide' and we've got the same results. The lesson in all this is that not thinking very much has not made an ounce of difference in our results."

On the season ahead:
"It's hard to say. The only thing we know is that it can always get worse. Still, the upcoming match against Endycarus' faeries will be a fun change of pace. Even if they blow us out, it will still be nice to see the occaisional ball finally be tossed into the air. Seriously, gay dwarfy caging might get hot and heavy, but Syphilis is the only one gets excited by that."

Recruiting Notice

Commencing this 3rd season, Beastiality has ceased to recruit from the pool of marauders devoted to erotic disease. Instead, new players have been signed from an engorged segment of marauders dedicated to exciting bodily fluids. Welcome #12 Splooge and #5 Smegma to the throbbing fold of pleasure that is Beastiality.

The Elvz from the Hood opened the season with a win but have lost every match since.  At this rate, they are guaranteed an Underbowl seat and a chance to defend their title as the biggest loser.

After a narrow (2-1) loss to the Short and the Restless, the Elvz bombed their next two matches in 3-1 loses (Aztecas and Ulthuan Lords), and barely showed up at the next two matches with a pair of 3-0 loses (Triple Skulls and Power Slaves).

Furthermore, the Elvz have continued to dispute accusations of doping.  With more and more players missing matches for liver-damage related problems, the team has officially said "there's just a couple players (about 6 to 8 of them) who have alcohol problems and we're working with the players to re-integrate them into a healthy training schedule."

The coach has stated "we remain optimistic that in our remaining matches we will get into the playoffs and we may have a low seed this season, but we're going to win.  No price is to high, we're prepared to face the certain mauling and probable death of every one of our linemen."

- Arch

The Elvz from tha Hood have been playing like it's the off-season still splitting their first two games.  No turn-overs, win one, lose one, and not a single player has advanced.

Game 1 was some hot High Elf on High Elf action.  The Elvz and the Etaine Excelsiors were playing touch-football.  It was a 4-3 victory for the Elvz so lots of playing with the ball for both teams.  Neither side lost an offensive drive despite a couple minor bobbles.  The excitement of the match came when Krafty Kerr scored his 50th career completion!

Game 2 had the Elvz pitted against the Short and the Restless.  Once again, both teams scored on their drives with no upsets, just at a much shorter pace than the Etaine Excelssiors.  Coach archnaaaagle once again forgot that Troll Slayers are total bitches and positioned Tom tha Bomb too close to the line.  Well, into the crowd he went.  The players were not too happy about this screw-up and during the first half injured one troll slayer and Hideous Hugh murdered the other.  Nurgle Crusher kept knocking Hideous Hugh over and Hideous kept getting back up and pounding him right back until he finally got fed up and tombstoned him.  When asked about that fatal tackle at half-time, Hideous said "what goes around is all around!"

Next match will be the recently hobbled Aztecas.  It's looking like it's going to take about 350K to induce the Aztecas onto the pitch.  Several players have started showing a lot of promise in practice so we're anticipating rolling 2 or 3 strength increases at the end of the match :D

- Arch