After doing much soul searching (tasty innocent ones are hard to find), Beastiality coach Warpstone has decided not to sacrifice his entire team on the altar of Slaenesh in order to reverse their uninspiring play. Instead, he intends to sacrifice his underperforming veterans on the line of scrimmage!

Yes, after much looking for a scapegoat, Warpstone has decided the problem is with the players and not himself. "I've given 3 seasons of my expertise to these losers," said the fuming Warpstone, " and I want to see results or blood!" Underwhelmed by the performance of his so-called stars, the Chaos Pact coach is now desperately hoping a radical shift towards developing rookies and letting veterans "take one for the team" will help turn around the team's record losing streak of 3 terrible matches. "I'm not going to make the same mistake as BaAl Davis. I'd sooner scrub this season and the next then pretend like this status quo is good enough to ever make the Thunderbowl finals. #$!@ 'em all and let Nuffle decide if this franchise still has legs for another season!"

Sitting at 40 LP after 5 games, Beastiality find themselves far off the pace to qualify for the Thunderbowl for the second season in a row. "We basically need to win 4 out of our remaining 5 matches to have any control over our destiny," added the troubled coach. If failure continues it's rumoured that Warpstone will actively sacrifice on the pitch while recruiting a new team for next season. It seems he's already interrupted his nightly regimine of debauched perversions to hold clandestine talks with prospective Undead, High Elf and even Vampire rookies.

A draw and win and a loss to start the season. It would be nice to say the Slaaenesh devotees that comprise Beastiality were simply trying to pack in a full range of experiences. The truth is that the only thing they seem to do consistently is regress to the mean. Sitting at 30 league points after three games is the exact same record they held last season. Though, admittadly, having a win and fluke draw under the belt does feel a bit better than last season's perpetual draws due to lead-squandering.

Game 1: 1-1 - vs JIngs Dwarves - Grom's Beerback Blazers

If the most outlandish play of the week did not happen in the last turn of this game, the story would have been that the dwarves easily racked up atleast 15 1d POWs to repeatedly flatten Beastality all game. But, the outlandish play DID happen.

On turn 16, Double Penetration, Beastiality's second Minotaur broke a tackle and knocked a dwarf away from the ball. HPV, a marauder, GFI'd, picked up the ball in a tackle zone dodged and threw a ridiculous long pass over to a covered HIV (marauder) who caught the ball, dodged, GFI'd twice and scored the tieing TD. The entire play occured without needing to employ Beastiality's final team reroll. Both JIng and I were dumbfounded and I even apologized for raping him of what would have been a solid win.

Quote of the game: "Well @!#$ me, that worked" - Coach Warpstone, upon scoring the game-ending TD.

Game 2: 3-2 vs Harbinger's Dark Elves - Hydra Lords

Everything just fell apart for the Dark Elves. Opening drive brought pouring rain and the Dark Elf attempting a routine quick pass suddenly flubbed his throw like he was a human. Reacharound was true to his name, got the ball at midfield and scampered off for a score. Dark Elves quickly scored in their next drive and then Beastiality just started throwing POWs. The big guys routinely got 3 dice hits on the elves and the ground even got into the viciousness by SI'ing a dodging blitzer. Scoring to end the half and then again after half time led to the result being beyond doubt in the second half.

Harbinger meanwhile continues to have the most stunning bad luck. A scientific study of his rolls has found that he does roll an even distribution. Unfortunately, he rolls ones and skulls exactly at the worst possible moments and uses up his sixes when a simple 2 would do.

Quote of the game: "I'd rather do that then let him touch me" - Dark Elf Reacharound, in regards to successfully overcoming contempt for his peers with two handoffs for TDs to Gonorrhea.

Game 3: 2-0 vs Macphee's Chaos - Jundheim Ice Lords

An old fashioned whupping. What hurts isn't the loss of Herpes (injured for a -1ST, apo'd to dead and we kept the apoth's result), or the blank score, but rather the shear inability to make a single play all game. Beastiality finished with zero SPP besides the MVP. Brutal all around. The early game looked like the Pact might have turned over the Chaos opening drive, but whereas Syphilis piled on for 2 KO's, the Ice Lords found their groove in Turn 5 and started CASing marauders across the pitch.

In a sense, this was an easy loss to accept as Macphee's well played game and his CAS luck were impossible to overcome. There's really very little my perverts could do besides bend over and enjoy the pounding.

Quote of the game: "<yawn> It's okay, I'm just running a flag route this drive anyway." - Minotaur Double Penetration, while lazing on the Ice Lord's turf for 4 turns in the second half.

Warpstone's Coach's Corner

On a lack of scoring:
"What can you do. Reacharound's the franchise (he's taken to calling himself Reachize after latenight pep-sessions with Rex Ryan), but there's only so much he can do without support. At the same time, I'd rather players took the time to learn how to better beat the crap out of opponents before learning ball skills. So wait and see on this one. I've never liked my team to play tight 1-0 games like a bunch of gay dwarves, but what can you do?"

On having the same record as last year:
"It's a great case study. You see, last year, we had gameplans and tactics and got mediocre results. This year, we said '@#$! it, let Nuffle decide' and we've got the same results. The lesson in all this is that not thinking very much has not made an ounce of difference in our results."

On the season ahead:
"It's hard to say. The only thing we know is that it can always get worse. Still, the upcoming match against Endycarus' faeries will be a fun change of pace. Even if they blow us out, it will still be nice to see the occaisional ball finally be tossed into the air. Seriously, gay dwarfy caging might get hot and heavy, but Syphilis is the only one gets excited by that."

Recruiting Notice

Commencing this 3rd season, Beastiality has ceased to recruit from the pool of marauders devoted to erotic disease. Instead, new players have been signed from an engorged segment of marauders dedicated to exciting bodily fluids. Welcome #12 Splooge and #5 Smegma to the throbbing fold of pleasure that is Beastiality.

"Welcome to B-League" indeed. Three straight draws of which 2 potential wins were lost on Turn 16.

Beastiality have already clinched a lower standing for season 7 than they managed in their rookie season. When questioned why his team had suddenly stopped being able to eke out a win in their sophomore season, Coach Warpstone could only say "karma, Nuffle always gets you in the end" as he walked away rubbing his sore backside.

Game 1 - Home to Frengard Foxes: 1-1

Completely stymied on offence. Double Penetration (the Minotaur) kept eating blitzes with failed wild animal rolls.

I then managed to get 1-0 up and intercept Wedge22 not once but twice (once with the minotaur) AND yet stil couldn't play keep away or score to seal the win. Instead the crafty humans got the ball back and tied it up. The ensuing two-turn drill for me went badly with Reacharound (the Dark Elf) failing animosity on the winning TD pass attempt.

Game 2 - Away to Dead Menace: 1-1

Punkpogoer made the brilliant decision to kick to me and then played a "cover-6" defence for the entirety of the first half. I kept wasting actions by knocking down his flesh golems and he kept standing them up and picking off any downfield marauders with his zone-defending positionals. One particularly stupid move by me saw a rookie marauder get killed on a simple werewolf crowdpush. Oi.

I lucked out on the Necro drive when Punkpogoer was gripped by a moment of elf-sanity and failed a pass to a werewolf around midfield. Scored on turn 15 and left him with only 2 turns to tie it up.... he did. He triple dodged a ghoul (4,3,3), GFI'd and then threw a long pass with another ghoul for the equalizer on Turn 16.

Frack.

Game 3 - Home to Malicious Intent: 2-2

I lost the win on turn 16 here too. However, in all fairness, Dr. Evil completely outplayed me from turn 1. He bashed the crap out of me for 7 turns. But the then a touchback gave my Ogre and Goblin a chance to get some jungle fever going and with every roll resulting in the 3+ or 4+ I needed: voila, one-turn TTM TD!

I was even at the half and that suddenly had me back in the game. A sudden loose ball in the early second gave Reacharound (the Ag5 DElf) a chance to, well, reach around, grab the ball and huck it to a downfield marauder for a surprise score! Sitting at 2-1 with 3 turns for the Orcs to equalize. I managed to pop the ball out of a sideline cage, but it was thrown in three times until the ball was back in the Orc side of the pitch. I really couldn't do anything then to prevent Evil's long pass or the TD on turn 16.

Life's tougher in the big leagues. Powerbowl or Underbowl, here we come!

Well, Subhedgehog laid down the gauntlet a while ago, but better late than never, eh?

My Spike 2009 Lineup

180kgp - 2 x Storm Vermin

320kgp - 4 x Gutter Runner

250kgp - 5 x Linerat

70kgp - 1 x Thrower

180kgp - 3 x Rerolls

I really considered dropping down to 11 players (converting the thrower to a linerat) and taking the fourth reroll... but ultimately I need to be able to field a team in the second half so I'll have to make do with 3 potential mulligans instead.

Oh well, it just means that I start routinely turning over on the first action on Turn 4 instead of Turn 5.

The plan?

Score early, score often and die trying.

If I can't get the "most TDs" award, I think I'm probably a shoe-in for "most casualties received" if that halfling kid doesn't show up this year ;)

My ideal matchup is probably against Lord Chaos. I'd like to score every two turns and he'd be happy to "rack 'em up" for another shot at killing my line of scrimmage.

I feel like I'm Markus Naslund leading the Canucks.

Heading into game 10, I was 8-0-1 with finishing as the top seed in C-League under my control. Instead of securing top spot, I got my ass kicked by DarkAngelDave and his late-blooming Necro.

What bugs me isn't that:

• I blew a shot at my second touchdown (and atleast a draw) by triple-skulling with my mino
• Dave scored the winning TD on turn 16 with Flesh Golem who dodged and GFI'd for the score!
• I dropped from 1st seed to 4th seed in 4 turns
• I gained almost no SPP at all to recover for cup day

Nope, what bugs me is that Dave killed my ogre (Elephantitis-apoth failed to a still dead!) and star blitzer (Chlamydia) and -MA'd another marauder! I didn't just loose seeding, I lost part of the core of my team.

What a crap sandwich to chew on before heading into the playoffs!

I actually wish I'd dropped all the way to #5 seed so I could rebuild a bit in round twelve rather than go straight into the postseason without money or SPP to make up for the losses.

Bah. I can only hope that Nuffle uniformly hoops the round of twelve teams appropriately and that the top team to emerge from that round is seriously bloodied before our match.

DarkAngelDave: well-played man. I don't begrudge the loss, just the timing. Good luck against the 'Flings and I hope we get a rematch on cup day (albeit, after Treemen have had their way with your skilled players).